I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
