this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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