filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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