saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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