the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
