amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
