Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
