Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
