how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
