He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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