How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
