Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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