The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
you never un-have a 4some
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
