Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I wish there were birth control emojis
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
