does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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