i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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