And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
