just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
