I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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