My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
