Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
