we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
