I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
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Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
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Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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