i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
