2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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