i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
