fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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