I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
