I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
They left me at home... I'm a liability
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
