can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
