Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
