There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
