i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
