The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
