The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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