dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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