I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
