When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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