i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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