He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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