Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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