she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
we're so committed to being not committed
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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