its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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