I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
