Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
