just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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