Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
