I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
