So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
