Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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