Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
