New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
