she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
