k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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