Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
