My sheets look like a crime scene.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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